Feb. 28, 2026

That's so interesting. I should have built a github webpage. Because it can be free. While, but I have paid for this domain for 5 years. So, I will keep it untill I get my degree. Of course I will complete the github one when I have some research progress to share. I hope I can have an official webpage by the second year.

It seems it had been a long time that I was in bad shape -- hard to concentrate, refuse to persue "perfect" in courses and academia. I do not know when and why it began, maybe from the last quarter, maybe from my senior year, maybe from my junior year. But I feel much better this quarter. At the beginning, I still need lots of sketch shows to cheer me up every day. After the Chinese New Year, I suddenly gained more energy. Getting up earlier and completing works before the due date became easy. I can arrange my time and control my mind again. I also noticed that I found my logic again. In my bad days, I was easy to trust bad things, hate, be controled by the annoying voices online -- I lost my capability to think and my rational logic. Besides, pressure was exaggerated.

I was encouraged by some simple things. Some excellent friends send me greetings and they thought I was excellent too. They mentioned our reunion expectations. So, I do not want to disappoint people who trust me and I hope I can satisfy our expectations by the time we meet again. Sometimes, life is such as silly as me.

Was I depressed? Could the depression last for years? It is hard to believe. There is another interesting story. When I was in my second year of senior high school, I believed I was depressed. I lied down on the floor for hours and refused to give a response. The only thing I did was asking my mom to bring me to the hospital. I wanted a professional doctor to diagnosed that I had a depression.

I was taken to the hospital. I took hours to do the tests, answer different questions. Finally, the doctor saw my report and said, "You are pretending." Yet he still gave some medicine and told me to come back after three months.

However, I never came back. Because I forgot to take the medicine only after no more than one week. Because I joined a study program and went on the journey to Qinhai with my classmates during the summer. Because I suddenly laughed when I walked out the hospital builing and waited for taix on the street.

He is a good doctor.

What even more funny was that: Last year, which is my senior year as an undergraduate. I felt I was depressed again. I went to one of the best hospital in psychological field in China. Since I lived in Beijing, it was super close to that hospital. I took similar tests and answered similar questions again. But they were shorter that these were in my memory.

The doctor read my report and told me I was depressed. I brought back some medicine again.

Actually, I felt my situation last year was not worse than the last time. I really hoped to be told: "You are pretending." This doctor was not professional in my heart.

I do not know why I keep these in my blog online. I have several places to write. Last quarter, I kept a electroonic diary. Then I received a dairy notebook from my friends as a 2026 New Year's gift. So, I returned to paper dairy again. I opened an officail account to keep more worthy thoughts and words. That's so weird. Sometimes I want to share then I put some stuff online. Sometimes I don't want to share so I keep them in my dairy. Sometimes I regret to share then I will delect them. Sometimes I hate my dairy and childish thoughts so I will tear my dairy notebook. Sometimes I have a desire to share but do not want to let others know so I have to find a new place like this blog.

Maybe just a promise to myself: please keep going, please achieve the things you want, please do not destroy what you have constructed all of a sudden like tearing your dairy, please, please, please god, do not let me down. Pleas let me fly, otherwise I have to die.

Life was always like recovery from dying, again and again. But now, I love this place so much, thus I feel the fear to be taken away as a cost. I live in the hometown of sunshine and summer, a peaceful and quiet town.

I have the habit of keeping a dairy since junior high. But I never had the habit of keeping my dairy notebooks. At the begining, I wrote my bad mood down on my math draft notebook along with numbers and equations. I would always tore and throw that page. Then I began to keep them in another notebook. But I would still tear some pages and switch to another notebook. So, I had several dairy notebooks but none of them were left.

I could have preserved one notebook in my senior high. But I finally decided to tear it with my exam papers after Gaokao. Becase it had some content I hated in the last few pages. The only page which was not be destroyed by accident was, the one with a sports meeting in my third year.

I had two dairy notebooks as an undergraduate. The last one was well preseived at home. It has my stories from half of my junior year untill I graduated. But I do forget where I put my previous notebook. I didn't tear it. But did I threw it?

Hey, please do better in the last two weeks this quarter. Please read papers everyday.